Hip Hip Hurrah for Grandparents!

An Australian study has shown something that does not surprise me one bit - that grandparents boost childhood development.

My grandparents played important roles in my life - my maternal grandmother was the sweetest and most helpful person. Not only did she babysit, she ironed my clothes, mended my clothes, and made the very best cream of wheat (no, my mother's cream of wheat never tasted as good as Grandma's.) My grandad took me with him to the postoffice and to his furniture store. From the time I was very young, he took me with him to the farm, the ranchland, and even his rental business. I learned so much from being with hi. He taught me to drive. He "doctored" my cuts. And he always told me he would "fight like a tiger" for me.

My paternal grandmother was soft and gentle. She always told me I was her only granddaughter . . . she always made me feel special. I have a lot of memories of the Amarillo bus station, because frequently I would have my visit with her as she was riding the bus between Lubbock (where she lived) and Borger where her grandsons lived. They got to spend more time with her because my parents were divorced and sometimes my Grandma Marshall lived with my cousins. Even though I never saw her teach Ladies' Bible Class, I feel that the Bible teaching I have done is one of her legacies to me somehow. She was one special lady.

My children grew up far away geographically from their grandparents, but I made sure their grandparents were a part of their lives. Each summer we spent almost 2 weeks in Amarillo. Grandma Melton always had ice cream and ice cream cones for the kids. Grandpa Melton taught them a love of fishing. My mother instilled in them a love of the land, a background in agriculture, and she tried ever so hard to teach them the importance of taking care of your financial business. Both sets of grandparents remembered birthdays and sent cards on all those special occasions. Phone calls were also an important part of our lives in maintaining this special relationship with the grandparents.

Henry's Grandmother Wheeler always had a pumpkin pie ready for us when we came back to Amarillo to visit. Henry has memories of the gardens that Grandpa Wheeler had at their Arden Road House.

I don't have grandchildren yet - and I refuse to put that kind of pressure on my kids. But I've been watching the people around me who have grandchildren for many years. If I'm ever lucky enough to become a grandmother, I want to be one of the people that is important in their lives.

Family Photos

The last time we pulled out the old family photos as a group was at Evelyn and Gene's 50th Wedding Anniversary. It was so special and fun to watch Martha's kids go through and organize 70 years worth of photos.

Martha's family went through and sorted the old photographs. Each of the siblings has a box with photos of their family. There is another group of early photos of Gene and Evelyn and their parents. I'm hoping to scan them next month so everyone can have a copy of Evelyn and Gene in their early years and some of the ancestors.

Today we have gone digital and many times we don't print our photos. Computer crashes and hard drive failures require that we keep our digital photos backed up in more than one place. I have to wonder if some priceless memories will be "lost" as digital photo formats change and morph and people don't keep "saving forward."

Word to the wise: Keep multiple copies of your priceless family photos. Burn them on CD's or DVD's. Back them up on external hard drives. Give copies to other family members so they are stored in more than one geographical place - fires, storms, floods, and even internal water leaks can damage or destroy heirloom photos. And keep up with the photo format changes - I shoot RAW, so I need to be sure that as the technological changes that are inevitable that I can still retrieve and view my most important photos. It is easy to think that .jpeg and .tiff will always be around . . . but we used beta video recorders and are now in the process of converting those to DVD format. Even had we used VHS, we would still need to convert them to DVD's as video recorders are disappearing and people are using DVD's and DVR to record and view their videos.

The future generations of your family will thank you for preserving visual memories of the family history.

Rolling back the clock

As we've stayed in Evelyn's empty house the last few times, memories of the past kept coming back. Memories of times when the kids were young and when all the grandkids were home visiting "Grandma and Grandpa." I've been wishing we could somehow miraculously roll back the clock to those happy times.

Friday night we did - as the kids fished the dock, the two youngest great grandchildren played. Ava, the youngest at 10 months was being held by her grandmother and parents. Jaycob, six played with remote control cars in the den and fished on the dock.

Later we had the traditional fish fry, with enough fish for all of us . . .

We are the last ones to leave . . . the house is quiet . . . but the memories remain . . .

Sorrow, tears, and laughter

As Evelyn grew weaker and weaker over the last couple of years, we knew our time with her was limited. This time when we got "the call," we knew the end was coming. I could tell when I saw her the first night at the hospice, that she was the weakest I had ever seen her. By Saturday evening, all the family that could get to the hospice had gathered.

The BSA hospice was really a wonderful place, her room was large and the adjacent room and courtyard allowed plenty of "spillover" space for all the family that was gathered. While Evelyn had been wanting a big family reunion, these were not the circumstance that she had in mind. Evelyn slept most of Saturday. She knew we were in the room, and we regularly gave her ice chips and let her know we were there. She even ate a little lunch, which gave us a little hope. However, her breathing was ragged and she quit taking much liquid around 6:00. At one point, her breathing became ragged and as Mary tried to help her take deep breaths, she did not immediately respond. We had an instant of panic that perhaps she would not wake up, but Mary said in a louder voice: "Roger is almost here - he's going to be here soon." Her eyes popped wide open, and she woke up a little bit. When Walter came in and told her Roger was here, she perked up. She knew we were all there and immediately asked, "Is anyone taking pictures?"

All we had was our cell phones, but out they came. In spite of the sad circumstances, we got photos of the family as we shared a unique time of family fellowship. There was laughter mixed with tears, joy that all of her kids were together for her this one last time. Glad that she knew we were all together. As I realized that all of the Amarillo grandchildren and great grandchildren were here, I called my children. They had that one last conversation with their grandmother - and she was able to answer back, however weakly. During this incredible two or three hour window, she was the most alert and coherent she had been all day.

It had elements of a party, a family reunion, where there was that special joy in being together as a family, but there were tears because we knew she was leaving us, but a peace because we knew she was going to a better place where one day we will join her. She was going to join her beloved husband. I know that the prayers being lifted up on our behalf from all the family's churches help give us a special sense of peace and comfort that night.

When she died the next day, we all realized that we had been given one of those special gifts from God - that last time as a family with her mentally present and with us.

Sorrow, tears, love, laughter . . . we had a special bittersweet time Saturday night . . . Sunday she slept most of the day, rousing to tell Martha, "I'm tired, I'm tired of fighting . . . I want to go home." As her breaths became farther and farther apart, she went home. I know she was greeted by Gene, her sister Louise, her parents and grandparents. We are going to miss her so much, but some part of her remains with each of us - our memories of what a special lady she was.

The House Comes Alive!

Houses becomes homes because of the people who live there and the memories created. When Evelyn moved first to skilled care, then 24 hour care and then assisted living, the house had a very empty feel. Its people were missing. This week the house came alive one last time. All the family came "home." And each of us in our own way celebrated the lives of Gene and Evelyn. All of the grandchildren had memories of coming to the lake house and going fishing. The last few years when the family tried to fish, the fish weren't biting. Gene had been telling us that the fishing at the lake was not good anymore. But in two special "miracles" once after his death and then again this week, the grandchildren and great grandchildren came "home," threw their lines in the waters around the dock, and the fish were biting. Lorien, Jon's wife caught her first fish today as did her son, Jaycob. The great grandchildren all caught several fish. In fact, there were enough fish caught that we ended the day with a fish fry. And as in true biblical miracles, all of the fish - both great and small-were sufficient to feed 24 people!

The house was filled with love, laughter, and such a wonderful sense of family!

Already, people are beginning to head home, the house is getting quieter by the moment, but in one last glorious week, it was like old times, the clock had rolled back and we were all together again!

Thank you God for such a wonderful blessing!

Musings

So much has happened this week! It is hard for my mind to process everything. I have so many things I want to blog about while they are fresh, but so much is going on there is not time to get my thoughts collected.

Today was the funeral for Evelyn. Sad, sad time, but filled with the blessings of so much family together in one place - and it is a loving family.

I hope i can pull my thoughts together for a few more blogs related to times mixed with sorrow and laughter, the blessings that God so obviously sent us, and lessons I'm learning.

Blogging or journaling has a way of focusing my thoughts and emotions. But for now, it is late and it has been a long day in a long week.

Family Time

When the kids were in junior high and high school we made a winter ski trip every year. This took us out of the hurry burry school activity world and gave us time together. As the kids grew up, went to college, got married, etc, we have not gone up there as a family - nor have we had much extended time together.

While we did not go anywhere this year, we have been very blessed with extended time as a family. It has reminded me very much of the times we were in Colorado during the winter. Jonathan and Debra have been staying in the RV and Thomas is home so we have had some wonderful quality and quantity time together as a family. We've watched almost all the episodes of Dark Angel, Chuck, Lost, and Jericho. I so enjoy hearing the kids laugh together. We've cooked, cleaned the kitchen, played board games, slept late, kept the fire going, and played with the dogs.

I can't think of a better or happier way to spend the holidays!

Family

While the reason for the gathering is sad - saying good-bye to Gene, it has been such a blessing to be with the extended family. My children's cousins were all gathered together for the first time in 19 years. We have a wonderful loving family - and I feel so blessed!



We're heading home tomorrow - hopefully my Africa blogs will start back up when we get home.

Life

Life is a funny thing . . . I am amazed at how our bodies are programmed to live. . . to remain here on earth. Even when death is inevitable, our bodies continue to battle for life. My father-in-law died peacefully this week. He had been fading away from us over the last few years, but his strong will and desire to stay to be with Evelyn (and modern medicine) kept him going far longer that most of us expected.

He had a strong desire to die at home and I am so grateful for hospice. With round the clock nurses to care for Gene and administer the medications that kept him comfortable, the family had a familiar, comfortable environment to spend their last moments with Gene and to spend time together in fellowship, comforting and sustaining one another. So much better than a hospital waiting room.

While it is hard to lose such a loving father and husband, we know that he is with God. As Christians, we believe that some day we will join him.

Rest in peace, Gene!

Kids - American vs Zambian

I went with Henry to the Minor Emergency Center so he could get on antibiotics too - as we are headed to Amarillo. We sat in the waiting room and the only things to read were a Kids Directory and a Kids magazine that were both mainly advertisements. There were ads for Princess Birthday parties where everyone could dress up, several companies that offered the blowup activities, special schools beginning for infants (more sophisticated day care), gymnastics, ballet (Russian style - looked like a famous instructor), gymnastic birthday parties, gymnastic classes, bowling birthday parties, drop in babysitting (so parents can have a night out), photography ads, etc. There were lots of bright eyed, happy looking American children.

I suspect some of those birthday party packages could easily cost $200. A Zambian teacher makes about $250.00 per month. In the villages, Zambian babies are ALWAYS with their mothers usually carried on her back - no strollers or car carriers. Sometimes big sister or grandma will be carrying the baby, but since mom has the food, moms are never far away.

A Zambian child lives a much simpler life - no gymnastics, few televisions (most people in the villages do not have electricity) and school may be a long walk (miles!) Toys are fewer and much simpler. Life and death are very real to Zambian children - there are many orphans. But Zambian children seem happy.

Visual and mental stimulation are important in child development, but after seeing the myriad of ads (and remembering all the activities my children participated in), I could not help but wonder if American children are too stimulated and too driven by parents who are only wanting the best for their child and trying very hard to provide that "best".

Could it be that we are overdoing it? Spending time around the orphaned toddlers, their most important need was to be hugged and cuddled. Perhaps American children need more quality time with their families and fewer hectic runs to yet another activity.

Families

I'm blessed to be part of the Melton family. We had a Mother's Day get together at my sister-in-laws house this evening. It was such a blessing to sit on her back patio, visiting with my nieces and their husbands, catching up on what is going on with them and their families. While Henry's parents did not get to stay long, they were there - I got photos that I'm trying to transfer while I write this blog - so I can leave copies for both sisters.

The love, the laughter, the fellowship . . . what a great way to end our time in Amarillo.

The Carnival

Debra has a friend who is working for a carnival. They are set up in Round Rock at the Dell Diamond. So, naturally, Debra wanted me to come and enjoy the carnival with her. Now it's been a long time since I've been to a carnival with a midway. It was a nice, comfortable evening, temperature perfect, gentle breeze, etc. While the hang gliding ride and I did not quite hit it off (my anatomy and size provoked an OUCH from my back when they tried to attach the tie downs. But later in the evening I enjoyed watching Debra "fly" high and free. Moby Dick involved going up and down in big ovals, with a minor gut wrenching drop each time around. They had a cute dragon ride whose sole purpose is for to see how fast you can spin your dragon while going around the post - a sure recipe for dizziness! We watched two ten year old boys who could really get their dragon spinning at high speed! I think the Ferris wheel was my favorite ride - beautiful right at sunset looking to the west. For two of the rides we ended up being paired with two 8 or 9 year old girls who needed someone to ride with. Turns out it was the same girls for both the bumper cars and the small roller coaster.

What struck me was the variety of people who came to enjoy the carnival. Mothers and dads with small children, teenagers with their friends. You could buy arm bands for $15.00 which gave you entry to any of the rides all evening. And, of course, there were the game booths and food booths.

When I got home, I looked up the Thomas Carnival on the internet. Since the Thomas Carnival's home base is in south Austin near where we used to live, I've been familiar with it a long time. It was interesting to note that it was founded in 1928 by Art B. Thomas whose goal was to "provide clean, safe, and wholesome family entertainment for its customers." How appropriate for today when even a trip to a movie theatre with your family can end up exposing kids to things you might rather they not see in terms of posters advertizing "R" rated movies, even "family" movies where the kids use words I did not allow my children to use. And no, I'm not against movies, I go see them, sometimes even "R" ones. But going to the carnival brought back good memories from my childhood. The fun was simple and wholesome. What an unexpected treat!

To visit the Thomas Carnival, check out their calendar.

Musing on Grandparenting

While in Amarillo, my sister-in-law, Mary came by with two of her grandchildren. When we were busy raising our children, I learned much from watching her raise her girls who were older than my children. Now I am blessed in watching her mentor her grandchildren. I don't have grandchildren yet (and I'm in no hurry - my children will choose or not choose to have children on their own time schedule with my full blessing whatever they choose).

Mary has always been involved with her grandchildren. When the children were young and in day care, Mary was always available when they were ill. What a blessing to have someone who loves you so much be there when you are feeling sick and miserable. Halee and Kayla know that when they come to grandma's house they get to paint. I went up to Mary's workroom and saw Christian's photographs from Savannah, and Halee and Kayla's creativity with paint and footprints. Our visit coincided with spring break. The kids came to spend the night, and knew they would get to paint! Mary puts down vinyl table cloths over the carpet and the girls are free to exercise their creativity. Last year at Christmas, I saw their eyes light up when they opened their package with all sorts of art supplies - finger paint, chalk, clay, colored pencils, etc. One of her older grandchildren has followed her footsteps into the art world. She helped Mary paint one of Amarillo's quarter horse statues and went on to paint a wonderful mural (Paris themed) in a business while still in high school. Now enrolled at the Savannah College of Art and Design, she is majoring in graphic design with a minor in photography.

The relationship between grandchildren and their grandparents is so different than parent and child. While grandparents don't have the same energy that parents need, they provide a unique wisdom that comes from a lifetime of living. Relationships with grandparents enrich children's lives. 2 Timothy 1:5 "I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also." Parents have so many responsiblities- working, child care, house hold duties, chaueffer service (carting kids to their acitivities) that they are often tired. Grandparents help fill the gaps - not only do they provide care which gives parents a chance to have time for themselves, they also bring their own special talents and abilities that benefit these precious children. Sometimes they provide a special story time, or a special food, or a special hobby. But most important, they provide an unconditional love.

My grandmother played an integral role in my upbringing. She was the one who ironed all my clothes (back when you had to iron clothes). My grandad smoked cigars - so my clothes always had a special smell (that I remember fondly) when they came back. She had a sprinkling jar, sprinkled the clothes, rolled them up, and then ironed them dry. She was there to encourage me. When she broke her hip, I sat at her bedside and we played cards to pass the time. My grandad took me with him to the post office, out to the farm, out to the ranch, taught me to drive, took me fishing. He was special. My dad's mom, my Grandma Marshall - always told me how special I was because I was her only granddaughter.

My mother encouraged my children to be interested in business - probably the reason my son majored in accounting. Henry's parents lived on the lake. Gene took them out on the boat and helped them fish off the dock. There was always ice cream and ice cream cones when we came to visit. Henry's grandmother always had a fresh pumpkin pie ready when we came by to visit her.

I've watched other grandparents: one of my friends has a new grandbaby in Philadelphia. Her husband asked her how often she wanted to go visit - her answer: once a month- his reply: sounds good! Her eyes light up when she talks about that wonderful grandbaby. So she flew from Austin to Philadelphia each month that first year to bond with and enjoy that precious baby.

I dropped by another friend's house just after she had learned the news that she was to become a grandmother for the first time - she was radiant! Several people have held "grandma" camps in the summer where they invite all the kids over (or each family's kids for a week - prolonging the work) for special time to nurture the kids. This can foster relationships between the cousins - or provide special intimate time with just one set of siblings. Another family invited each of their children with their kids to spend a week with them at the Atlanta Olympics (one family group per week). Still another friend made a point of having each grandchild (and she has 9 of them) over one at a time to spend the night and have special time with each one individually.

I have still another friend whose life is filled with animals - horses, dogs, cats. Her grandchildren are learning horsemanship and animal training each time they visit.

Another benefit grandparents play is the role of passing down family history - those wonderful stories of things our ancestors did. I was always so proud of my Great Grandmother Baker who ran her general store well into her 90's. She was an amazing woman with an incredibly strong work ethic.

With people moving all over the country with their jobs, our church has even had a program for surrogate grandparents - allowing the older members to have that vital connection with young children. Spending time with children helps you remember the joy and delight of the everyday things around you. Spending time with older people gives children the opportunity to learn and grow from their wisdom and insight.

Hoorah for grandparents!

New Life

Today has been set aside for several months . . . . A baby shower for one of my best friend's grandbaby. During lunch, we entered the delightful arena of thinking about who this new baby will look like. Michelle has Chinese ancestry so we know the baby will have beautiful dark eyes. We also know due to the miracles of modern medicine that a baby girl is on the way. My guess was that this sweet little girl will strongly resemble her beautiful mother with just enough of Rob's features for the Mack family to claim kinship as well. In watching my children as they grew up, I was always astonished to see the faces and features of both my family and Henry's family reflected in different fleeting expressions on my children. These genetic stamps extend beyond physical features. My grandfather was 88 when my son was born. Dementia had already set in. My grandfather never had the patience to wait in line, they always got to the cafeteria right after it opened so they could go right through. As a teenager at Six Flags, my son wandered through the park during the day and rode most of the rides at the end of the evening when most of the other visitors had left and the lines were short. In Rob's family there are cousins who walk with the same pace, cross their legs the same way when they sit, and even hold their forks the same way.

I'm looking forward to meeting this baby girl. She is coming into a precious, happy family. She will be loved and nurtured. What a blessing!

And for me, a privilege to be included in the celebration!

ER

Life at 86 has its ups and downs. One day you are feeling pretty good, getting around fairly well, and life is pretty good. The next day one part of your anatomy begins to scream for attention, you can barely walk, and you get to make a run to the emergency room.

We have been so blessed that my father in law has done so well since his hospitalizations in October and November. I truly believe that all of the prayers that have been offered up on his behalf have made a big difference. In November we were told that his kidneys were only functioning at 32%. At the time, the doctors did not seem to think that it was likely to get better. The kidney function test run in the last couple of weeks showed functioning at 60% - almost normal for his age! "Mona" (our nickname), the amazing medical machine that allows Evelyn and Gene to check his vitals every morning and send the data to the doctors via the phone lines, has been showing fairly stable life signs and an oxygen reading that is within the target range.

Last night, Gene's leg got very painful. The prescribed pain med did not dull the pain enough for him to get comfortable. The inevitable "panic" that pain often brings creates its own cycle - you feel excruciating pain, your body tenses up, your anxiety level increases, you move to get more comfortable, feel more pain, your body increases the tense muscles, the anxiety level increases . . . . . you get the picture. So after trying to get the feet up, a gentle massage of the painful areas, attempts to get him to sleep, a call to the doctor on call, the application of moist heat - when none of these worked - we managed painfully to get him into the car, out of the car, and into the emergency room.

Thankfully, the emergency room is relatively quiet after midnight. They got him into one of the rooms fairly quickly. A sonogram, blood work, and a cat scan did not reveal anything helpful to the doctors. While the morphine did not work immediately, by morning, I am thankful to say he is resting peacefully again. We have some theories from the doctor as to what is going on. For now, the hope is that after being observed until in the morning, we will be able to get him back home tomorrow.

I found that I got my best "rest" meditating on familiar Christian songs - those thankful ones. "For all that you've done I will thank you . . . . ." "This is the day, this is the day that the Lord hath made . . . I will rejoice, I will rejoice and be glad in it," etc. As I tried to dose in upright chairs, these words and tunes kept my mind occupied and somewhat free of anxiety. Henry found a more comfortable waiting area - and when it was my turn, I lay down on the sofa and once again began my song mantras. I feel pretty deeply asleep even though the sofa was a little short. When we finally got Gene to a regular hospital room, the reclining chair allowed me to finish my "night's" sleep. At 11:30 today, I feel much more rested than I deserve.

And the good news, both Gene and Evelyn are sleeping pretty soundly in the room next to me! Thank you, God!

The Search for a Dress

While there are many special occasions in life, a wedding is one of the most important. It is a day where a woman truly wants to look her very best. It is also a day where most women do look their most beautiful. Finding that special dress can be elusive.

In Debra's young years, she loved dressing up. There were days we went through three or more changes of clothes. We had all sorts of creative dress up outfits. And, of course, we had sentimental clothing stored in the attic. When we discovered the Renaissance Festival (along with the Science Fiction Conventions), costumes became an important part of our lives. I even have Renaissance outfits.

When Debra was in high school, finding a prom dress for her senior prom was a challenge. We searched all the shops in the Austin area with no success. We had travel opportunities to Dallas and Los Angeles where we went looking. We looked on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills and some other posh stores. Why do they think that only women with size 9 figures want to look pretty? It was frustrating. Fortunately, Debra finally discovered a store in Austin and the "perfect" prom dress became reality.

So when it came time to shop for wedding dresses, I knew that finding the right dress might be another challenge. During the fall we went through a very intensive dress shopping effort. All the bridal stores in Austin became familiar places as we haunted them trying to find "the dress." We made a jaunt down to the Renaissance Festival to see if it was to be found there. No such luck. And then Debra got sick . . . . . . the search for the dress got put on hold.

The search for "the dress" began anew this week . . . . . . and I can report "the dress" is found! She will look beautiful on her wedding day!

Thank you, God!

Coming Home

We got home with a wintry, icy weekend - so we enjoyed a weekend around the fireplace resting and enjoying spending time with Debra and Jonathan. It was a nice transition from the travel days to being home. I've cocooned a little also. Since October, life has been very busy with many transitions, lots of activity, lots of photo opportunities, seemingly constant activity. Having a couple of peaceful, restful days was a good beginning.

We've been home two weeks. I have found that after I've been gone for awhile, it takes a few weeks to get "back on track" at home. For one thing there is mail . . . . .tons of mail. Then there are the chores . . . . And the home routines are different than the travel routines. Plus we had a dishwasher that had gone out and a water line to the icemaker leaking . . . . etc. We still have work that needs to be done on the pool. A day spent just getting laundry caught up. Even with two weeks passed, it feels like I have a lot left to do.

When we were home for a few days in December, I tried to get together with as many of my friends as I could. This time, I've taken things more slowly, trying to get a handle on my projects, and trying to get rested. I thoroughly enjoyed our Ladies' Retreat in Salado. It was a good chance to get reconnected at church. I got together yesterday with my friend, Debbie. We went to San Antonio, eating at one of my favorite places, the Carriage House at the Botanical Gardens. Then we went over and saw a travelling exhibit at the San Antonio Museum of Art. I look foward to getting to reconnecting with my other friends over the next couple of weeks.

Christmas Day

We woke up and had another small Christmas with Evelyn and Gene. Gene is doing better - so the family has decided to let them have a chance to stay independent.

We leave Amarillo around noon on Christmas Day. We've never travelled on Christmas Day before. While there are gas stations open - restaurants were pretty much all closed. In Amarillo, the only thing open was a sitdown Sushi restaurant. Since we got off around lunchtime for our 8 hour drive to Breckenridge - we got things at the convenience gas station to get us started. The gas stop at Clayton (with so much closed, I was not taking any chances of running out of gas!) provided meaty burritos. And another convenience store in Colorado Springs provided the low carb energy bars that have been a staple on my low-carb diet.

We get to Breckenridge in time to hit another convenience store to have breakfast items - cereal, milk, juice, etc.

Because of Gene's illness, we did not know whether we would make it to Breckenridge this winter. But as we drop into Breckenridge from Hoosier Pass - it feels like we are coming home.

Christmas Eve

We arrived in Amarillo on the 23rd. When we saw Gene first thing Christmas Eve morning, we knew we were headed to the emergency room. His left eye was swollen like a tennis ball to the point he could not open it. A call to the physician on call led us to the hospital emergency room in case complicated tests were necessary.

The hospital was quiet on Christmas Eve. I went to the coffee shop to get coffee (and hot chocolate for Henry) all around while we waited for Gene to be seen. We were fortunate that the diagnosis was either an allergic reaction or the beginning of shingles. We got in early, were seen quickly, and were ready to leave by the time everyone had drunk their coffee. Definitely a blessing to get Gene back home rather than have another hospital stay at Christmas time.

Our niece, Staci, had a wonderful Christmas party for the whole family. While we have not made a practice of going to Amarillo for Christmas, there is something very special to be surrounded by loving family and friends at Christmas. I will have some good memories from this Christmas.

Independent Living

It is a natural desire to be independent. Two year olds express their indepence as they use the word "NO." High school kids can hardly wait to turn 18 - longing for indepence from their parents. They have to learn that being fully responsible for themselves can be challenging. And they make mistakes-and learn from them, and continue to grow and develop.

When people live long enough, they reach what we sometimes call the "declining years." As a culture we value independence, taking care of ourselves. Especially for people who lived through the depression years, being independent and not needing "help" is an important part of their self-esteem. But old age robs us of many dignities - and independence is one of them. Role reversal is difficult for both generations. For the aging, it is difficult to admit that you don't remember well enough, you don't see well enough, and you don't hear well enough. We have a mental image of ourselves - an idealized one - where we can do everything needed. But sometimes the reality is that age has robbed us of some abilities that we had when we were younger.

For the caregiving generation, it is difficult to know how to handle some things. My mother-in-law, Evelyn, so much wants to be able to do everything herself. And she has always been a capable, hard working individual. But at this period, she is up several times during the night with Gene. It is hard for her to remember all the things that are on the caregiving schedule for Gene. And the schedule is complex - first thing in the morning, blood sugar reading, one pill before breakfast, breakfast, 9 more pills, using the vital signs monitor, something that resembles a bath, shaving, lunch, mid-afternoon pill, supper, after supper pills. Not to mention, getting shoes on his feet, foot massages, keeping the feet propped up, therapeutic exercise, deep breathing, monitoring the fluids he gets during the day, and following a diet restricted by so many physical problems.

My quandry today is how much should I just do the things to keep things optimal for Gene's possible recovery and how much should I step back and see how much Evelyn is actually capable of doing. Are my assumptions incorrect, can she really do more than I think? (They did better using the monitor this morning than I expected - I left them alone to see what would happen.) If I let her do all of it for several days, will she get too tired? I truly don't want to hinder her ability to care for herself in the long run, and yet, I know that the physical care for Gene at this point has the potential to ruin the good health she has now. It would be easier if they were not fretting because they feel like they are imposing on us. It would be easier if they had had more realistic goals concerning their old age. They truly intended to take care of themselves until the very end in their own home without involving their children in their care. A noble goal, but very few people are lucky enough to achieve that.

How do you communicate these issues, how do you help them understand that this is the natural cycle of life, how do you help them come to terms and be fully at peace?

While I was beginning this entry, Evelyn came in. I had a chance (once again) to try to talk with her about some of these issues. We both had tears in our eyes.