Monday, October 23, 2006

Boundaries

This is my first full day at home. I made my breakfast and went out to sit on my porch to eat, watch birds, and do my "quiet" time. Our neighbors have around 5 dogs, 4 of them are great pyrenees, 2 of these are "puppies." These dogs are such escape artists that they spend a lot of time outside their own yard. They've been known to bark at me when I am feeding our horse on the opposite side of the property from them. Pyrenees are flock guard dogs - their job is to protect the livestock of their owners.

Because we've been gone, they've added my front pasture to their "territory." Perhaps my whole yard. They were in the middle of the pasture, challenging me for sitting on my own porch. I continued eating hoping they would get tired and go home. I finished breakfast to the music of constant barking. I finally stood up off the porch and used my stern, angry voice and told the alpha dog to go home. When we've been home awhile that is usually enough to get them to go on back home. But we've been gone and the barking continued. We have a new collection of birds, the migrants. I was listening to a mockingbird. I realized that the mockingbird and the alpha dog seemed to be having a "shouting" match. The dog barked, the mocking bird answered, bird, dog, bird, dog. While I tried to find my morning serenity, this was not working.

I got mad. I went to the fence line, challenging the dog. Nope, dog continued holding her ground and barking. Not to be detered from having peace in my own yard, I decided which pasture entry I would use. As I entered the side pasture, I decided to be sure I had some protection in case the coming confrontation got ugly. I picked up a small fireplace log, one heavy enough to deter a dog attack should one happen. When I finally entered the big pasture where the 4 dogs were, they finally realized that I did mean business. While I was worried that I was coming up on the wrong side to herd them back to their side, I need not have worred, they made haste to the opening where they usually come and go from my property, up by the road. They continued running up the road, passing their own yard. I had about 20 minutes of quiet. They chose to return. Henry chased them off once, and I chased them off again. The last time, the alpha dog continued to bark at me from the relative safety of the road in front of their property behind a line of trees.

We've all heard about how good fences make good neighbors. I had to lay a boundary with these dogs this morning.I had to let them know that I was higher in the pecking order than they and that they must heed me. It looks like I will be doing that for awhile until they decide they can't hold my yard as theirs. Had I gone out there with a soft voice, saying, "please go home." I don't think they would have left. But I went out with a strong pace and presence, no nonsense approach. The final barking from behind the line of trees was also a challenge from the alpha. I probably should have gone over to the road and pursued, but that was a long walk, and they were out of my territory.

Sometimes when we deal with people, we have to set boundaries. And we usually have to be angry before we set them.
Many times we fear setting a boundary, fearing we may lose a friendship or cause hard feelings. But boundaries are a necessary part of life. Unconsciously we set boundaries as to what we are willing to do, or what we are willing to accept from someone else. Sometimes we have loose boundaries. Loose boundaries help us make new friends easily. But loose boundaries can also make us easy prey for those people who like to take advantage of people. Boundaries that are too strong can make people leary of becoming our friend.

Life is full of conflicts, some minor, some major. We need boundaries as we deal with people. Not setting the boundaries can cause resentment. I'm not always good with boundaries. I need to talk to my neigbhor again about their dogs. I don't dislike the dogs, but in the country when you get 4 or 5 dogs running together, they become a pack. It changes their behavior.

I don't see a happy ending to this story for many reasons.

To read more about human boundaries, Boundaries: When to say Yes, when to Say No, To take control of your life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

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